Painful, Personal Post.......... tissues needed to be handy

I am really sorry if this post is upsetting but I really need to write this down.  
I do. 
Those who know me personally may find this very distressing. 
 I really am sorry but I have to.


I have had a very stressful couple of days.
Although I have had counselling I still find January 15th hard to deal with.
On this day thirty seven years ago I gave birth to a beautiful daughter who we named Leanne Denise.  I invented the name with my friend Joan, it was made up from Leander of Hero and Leander fame (we mistakenly though Leander was the heroine - were our faces red when we found out years later it wasn't).
She was a beautiful baby and I did manage to breast feed her, more successfully than my first two girls.  I used to take her to the Welfare Clinic once a week to be weighed and checked but when she was about two weeks old, I was told that she was not gaining any weight and maybe I needed to give her a bottle.  I already had the equipment so the Clinic gave me a tin of milk and  as soon as I came home I made up a bottle and fed her.  When it came time for her next feed I could not wake her.  I tried and tried but she stayed asleep so I phoned the doctors and managed to get through to Dr Humphries, the lady Doctor, who asked the pertinent questions and then before she could say anything the line went dead.  By now I was hysterical and crying and shaking and still Leanne slept on ...........
Not long after the doorbell rang and there was the Dr on the doorstep.  "I had a sleeping baby and a hysterical mother on the phone and I have come to sort it out" she replied when I asked why she was there!!
She immediately picked up the baby who gave a loud gulp of air and started to cry.

The Doctor thought that Leanne had her first proper meal since she was born and, like any animal, was so full up she had to sleep it off.  She only woke when the Doctors COLD hands picked her up and shocked her awake!!!  We did so laugh as we were both so relieved to know she was ok, I was very embarrassed but the Doctor said she was just doing her job - as all good Doctors and Nurses do.

A week later, N was very poorly with whooping cough but we were told that Leanne would be OK because the breast milk passed on antibodies to protect her.  One night while I held her she stopped breathing and started to go blue.  I managed to get her breathing again and she seemed OK.   After her nightime feed she stopped breathing again and I could not get her to start again so her dad (ON) said we should take her to the hospital, we piled into the car and I put her across my lap and rubbed her back all the way to the hospital where she had been born.  They could not do anything for her as she had been discharged a month earlier and suggested we took her to the Children's Hospital, and not knowing where it was they gave us directions and off we went.  Right across the city we drove, red lights, speed limits - nothing of any importance when you have an ill child.  
When we arrived the receiving Nurse tried to clear her airways and did all the usual checks while we waited for the Doctor.  Eventually a young girl came down the corridor putting on a white coat, obviously annoyed at having been woken up.  She checked Leanne, who by this time was a healthy pink colour and said she had a blocked nose and gave us some nose drops.  
Leanne remained poorly for a few days more but then seemed to start picking up.  We went to visit her grandmother out in the country and I dressed the three girls in matching outfits - crocheted dresses made during anti-natal classes.  Photos of the three generations were taken, one of parents and girls and one of Auntie Molly, Father and Grandmother with the girls.  It was a bright, sunny day and we were all so happy.
On Mother's Day, with my sister and children at home, we all tucked into our lunch and then started the washing up afterwards.  V wanted to feed the baby so I told her to leave Leanne until after we finished the washing up and then fetch her in from her pram, which was outside on the patio.  I warmed her bottle and went into the lounge to find her bib and then sat at the table with my sister.  
There was a shout from outside and V was standing there holding Leanne up in her arms.

I knew there and then she was dead.

I don't know how

I don't know why

but she was

I went out and took her off V and brought them both into the house.  I told ON to go phone for an ambulance and my sister took hold of V.  I remember thinking later that ON had gone round to next door but one's to phone and the lady there was six months pregnant - not the best news to receive.
I went into the front room and looked at my beautiful daughter as she lay in my arms, I prayed that she would open her eyes, would breathe, I held her close - she had been so well wrapped up she was still warm.  
Nothing
I cuddled her as close as I could, praying..........

The ambulance came and they gave her the kiss of life but then a trickle of blood appeared at her left nostril and they apologised and said there was nothing more they could do.  

Two months almost to the date.............. 16th March

They contacted my GP as they needed a Dr to declare her dead.  After about an hour of waiting they had to leave, so they wrapped her up in a blanket, told me I didn't really need to come as they would take her straight to hospital and have her declared dead.  
She left my arms wrapped as though she was still asleep and went into the back of the ambulance in the arms of a man whose young daughter was at home celebrating her birthday.  Who was suffering the most - him or me - I have never known.

Joan had come home by now, we were all sitting stunned, drinking tea and talking.  After a while we decided to go tell the grandmothers, it had to be done and was not something to do over the phone.  
As we opened the front door a jolly lady Dr (Singh or Kaur - can't remember now) was standing on the doorstep.  We wondered what she was doing there and she said "I was having a tea party when I received a phonecall to say that there was a problem with the D Baby.  After we finished tea I thought I had better come and see what was happening here"  I told her not to worry as the baby was dead so she wasn't needed.  Never been one to mince my words when I am upset!!!
Joan came into the hall as the Dr turned to go and asked if maybe it would be a good idea to give me a couple of sleeping tablets as I had had a big shock.  The Dr thought for a moment and then asked if Joan really thought so!!!  Joan said yes she did and so I was given a couple of tablets and off the Dr went, back to her teaparty.

We called in at my mother's house first as I knew my cousins were visiting and she would not be alone.

We then went to his mother's house where she received the news stoically while his younger sister went hysterical and we had to deal with her while ON went to his older sister who lived next door to tell her the news.  

When I arrived home all trace of a baby ever having been in the house had been removed.  No clothes, no cot, no pram, nothing, she'd gone.  My sister and friend Joan had been very busy while I had been gone, taking most of it all round to her ex husband's house, explaining to him what had happened and why they needed to move everything.  They thought it would be better for me if there were no reminders when I came home.

Much of what happened after wards is a bit of a blur.
We arranged the funeral, the Mass, the wake and it was ok.  I remember breaking down completely in the Church as they carried the small white coffin out to the hearse.  I remember that P (the older sister) had made a beautiful white satin blanket edged with lace to sit on top of the coffin.  I went to the Cemetery a few days later and retrieved the blanket, all  that satin and lace, stitched by hand with so much love, I couldn't let it go to waste.

All I had were two certificates, birth and death cards and a pink kitten given by my sister.  All I had to show that Leanne had ever been there.

Some days later I received a brown paper parcel addressed to me containing all Leanne's clothes, all that she was wearing at the time.  The nappy had been washed and dried but everything else was as it was, even to the small trickle of blood on the side of her bonnet where the ambulance man had given her the kiss of life.

I put it away under my bed.

Some months later I took out the parcel, took it into the bathroom, unwrapped the clothes and washed them.  Every one.    I cried as I washed.  How I cried.  Loud, long, sobbingly.  It all came out, the pain, the grief, the emptiness.

And that was it - when I came downstairs Joan said that she had been waiting, held me and told me I should have done it long before.

How could I? 

I had two little girls - 3 and 7 years old to look after, my mother, my sister and her two children at the weekends, Joan, and ON.  
There was no time for weeping, gnashing of teeth, woe is me and all that.  I had to stay strong to be there for the others.  
And I was.
Strong

Joan left eventually to move to foreign climes, my sister found a place of her own and life continued apace.

Well, not really.  There was that Friday afternoon a year or so later............... 
I was 200 yards from home and started to bleed............
I managed to settle the girls and took myself to lay down on the bed. 
So much plain and blood. 
Agony and mess.
Eventually I got control and went downstairs and carried on.

I went to the Doctor's some time afterwards and mentioned it to him whilst we were talking, he asked for all the gory details and became very angry with me.  
I had lost another baby.
I could've lost my life - did that matter?
I needed to take things easy - huh!
Be careful - oh! yeah! 

I do not deal very well with these few months.  I eventually went for Counselling five years ago.  I am much better now.  

But there is still pain.

Brrrrrrrr! and marmalade

I have discovered that if I make cards in my craft room and keep the little fan heater on, then it gets very warm and comfortable.  
I have made several cards on Monday and Tuesday, specials for birthdays - one is posted on my other blog - Cardius Bloggus.

Today I have been making Marmalade, Ginger Marmalade.  (warm kitchen!).  For some reason I only managed to get 10 jars whereas I usually get 12 ... what went wrong?  I dunno, same jars, same ingredients...... dunno.  BUT I did mention to PJ that we could be having a slice of marmalade on our toast!!!

Watch this space!!

Hellooooo..........

Missed me have you???  yeah! yeah! yeah!

I am much recovered now and up and about ...... not much as it is too cold.



This is how my phone told it last night ........... and then it tipped it down and by 06.00hrs there was a nice thick layer of the white stuff.

By the time I was up and about properly, the 'outside my window world' looked like this .............

We tend to hibernate a bit in the winter...... cold 'gets' to us.  For those who don't know ................ we do not have Central Heating................ it can get mighty cold in this house.  We have always enjoyed paid employment so by the time we came home, had something to eat it was time for bed anyhow so we never bothered getting the CH put in.  I quite enjoyed using other people's CH!!!  Now we are retired we cannot afford to have it done and ........ I don't really want the mess, there is not enough room in my kitchen for the boiler (we did try to get it put it once .....) so we remain well wrapped up and enjoy hot stews and curries.  
The cold usually lasts for about three months and so we concentrate on March.  
March ...... that's it!  
It will start getting warmer by then!  
3 months that's all.  
So we indulge in late mornings and early nights.
It is a pity that my PC is in the back room, I am trying to get my laptop to be internet friendly but so far no luck, we just have to settle into the bedroom, leaving the PC to freeze in the backroom without any guilt feelings at all, until I realise I haven't updated my blog and people may feel deserted!!!

On another note:-  I have found a beautiful old book about Birmingham............

I started clearing out my craftroom, keeping physically active keeps you warm .......... at one point I had to remove a layer of clothing I was so hot!!!  Only one layer you notice .....anyhow back to the book....

If my memory serves me well, it was given to 
me by an old friend called Doreen who left her home of many years to live with her daughter.  When downsizing it's good to find a home for precious (to her) things and although I accepted the book I refused Carl Chinn's  Magazines as I can read those on line.  The book was printed in 1880 with a forward written in 1879.
It is beautifully bound although falling apart in places, pages that have browned with age but a treasure. 




 There is a dedication to a Sam: Timmins and to Joseph Chamberlain, a very famous resident of Birmingham.

 I hope to be able to scan this book and then show it to members of the BHF, maybe I can pay back some for all their photos and articles I have so enjoyed.  
There are lots of pen and ink drawings of places around Birmingham and a well defined history ............ I may include some of them on here. 







At the moment I am writing out some more of my memories for future posting, typing on, sorry - rephrase that - hitting digital keys on, my phone takes for ever but it is the only way I can get these memories down - remember we are like Charley's grandparents    (Charley and the Chocolate Factory)   :-) 

I leave you with this thought:- 

Happy cough New cough Year croak

So yes ...... been pretty sick round here ............
PJ was ill first and then me
Ugh!
Feel like going back to the Drs and telling him "well, it's been 10 weeks and I'm still just as bad" but he would probably look at my records and say "it's only 9 weeks and three days so I can't do anything for you, go away and go back to bed" - pity party going on here I think.


I have been pottering around, managed to get so incensed and insulted at Currys/PC World again............  I go there because I haven't found anywhere else to buy my printing inks.  
This time I was accused of "pinching" a member of staff, who then proceeded to stand in the doorway of the lift wanting to know why I had "pinched" her!!  I have enough grandchildren of my own I don't need to pinch sales staff .............  Joking aside,  I was astounded ........ lost for words........ incredulous........... then ANGRY!! GRRRRR! ANGRY.  I told her not to be so childish,  came out of the lift (carefully not touching her), put the inks back and left the shop.
Inkless I am, inkless I remain ................




I have found a little shop which sells printing inks with civilised people - read "Grownup" - as staff.

I have inks for my printer!!!!  *singing*
But still feel ill :-(

Time to take the decs down .........

Yes!  I know it is not Twelfth Night but by the time all the decs are down and put away it will be Twelfth Night!!!  I am retired - read slow!  I shall leave the tree till last and no doubt it will take as long to undress as it did to dress ......sad in a way.

The first time we went out to Africa I came home to a commercial Christmas that I could not comprehend.  So many lights and people going around like headless chickens whereas this had not reached the Nigerians properly.  Well, I suppose it had but the struggle to survive overtook the desire to celebrate, this date passed almost quietly, no extra services here and definitely no present swapping.  I have now overcome this ........ I live in England and my lifestyle is so very different.  I have tried to explain but they cannot understand, we are two different cultures, two different ways of life.  No matter how poor I am I can never be as poor as they, but saying that - I will never look down on them as their rich do ......... The Bible says that 'there will always be poor' but it doesn't tell us to ignore them, belittle them but to love them for 'all men are equal in the sight of God'.

So my Christmas is full of lights, trees and decorations ..............

which must come down now and be put away until next year .............

then the house must be cleared up, all the boxes, packages back in the loft.  The windows cleaned to remove all the suction pad marks left by the decs, the fireplace to hold a fire instead of a village!!  

and then I shall sit in my lovely clean house and sing in the New Year.

May 2013 bring you, my readers,  good health, contentment, much friendship, laughter and joy.  May the Good Lord watch over each and every one of you as you go about living your life - even if you don't believe ....... I pray God's blessings on your life.
Amen

Christmas Day two - Boxing Day

Going by train to N for dinner.               Raining.            

Heavy presents to carry so train might not be a good idea ........ did I say it was raining?  Pouring down?  it is!   We could get very wet.................

So we went in the car  (smiley face)

We all unwrapped our presents ................

some were funnier than others .............

This girl walks from the train station to home which is about 10mins - in the dark..............




             WEAR SOMETHING LIGHT AT NIGHT




Put on your glasses just in case...........................

Much laughter again.......... lots of sweets passed round ............... lovely grub, plenty of it.
Then we all played stupid games from out of crackers - I am sure the boys think we're mad!!!

A couple of card games ........... more food............. more drink ........... time for home............ containers of food so we can eat tomorrow - bonus!!

Home safe - what an excellent Christmas.

We thanked God.............. prayed for those who have not been so blessed - all this rain, snow, wind and deaths - so many families will have so much sorrow this time of year ...................... we are truly thankful.

Christmas Day One

Raining!!

I think I am ready now ...............  

our tree is up.........................










                        the windows are lit................







the village is set up and the lights are on.........

the pressies are ready for opening .............

BUT

have to point this one out ....................definitely my daughter .......... the box is recycled from another pressie ........ the snow glitter is recycled from office desks ............ the bounty bars recycled from the office leftovers............ I get a brill pressie!!!  
Don't cha just love that girl!!!

There were lots of other pressies -  psychedelic vegetable seeds for PJ - Magic Painting book for C - laughter and love all round.

Off to the pub for Christmas lunch - the pub was heaving but the restaurant was good - nice food, friendly staff - great Christmas!

Birthday Time!!! day three

We decided some time ago to visit a garden centre and then the Pub nearby.  
We collected C, who had no idea what was happening except we were having lunch together at the Robin Hood.
We managed to put off telling her where we were going, we did say that we were going to look at houses in the end as she kept asking where we were going.
We ended up at Webbs of Wychbold, I wanted to visit Hobbycraft and we hoped to buy some more for my Christmas Village, ergo ..... going to look at houses!!  They were not stocking the one that we wanted but they did have a very pretty Christmas Tree, all flashing lights, revolving and playing O Christmas Tree tune.  Well ....... it was on display but they had sold out of the actual items.  Ah! Well!
We wandered around and several items found their way into our basket trolley and buy the time we arrived at the restaurant side  .............. we stopped for a cup of coffee and piece of cake.

We left in plenty of time to go to the Robin Hood and when we arrived the car park was very full - ooer! we thought!

But no, we had a very pleasant meal and C gave me my present - 




which opened into  ............






very good perfume that I had fallen in love with - chuffed?  really made up!

This has been a really good birthday - nice and long - how I like it!!!


PJ did manage to get the tree later as you will see from another post

War of the Worlds Stage Show

Way back in December 2011 two seats were booked for the War of the Worlds Stage Show.  It was over twelve months into the future but I had promised myself that I would go one day.

Slowly the time came for us to go to see the show, we were excited but apprehensive at the same time.  Up until now Richard Burton was the voiceover but now the show had been labelled "The New Generation" and the voice over and holograms would be Liam Neesan.  I don't have a problem with this but in my opinion Liam was stepping into BIG shoes.  I knew that Marti Pellow - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marti_Pellow - was singing the main lead and I did not find him that strong a voice in  Blood Brothers so I was trying to keep an open mind.  Jason Donovan was also starring and I had no worries there having seen him in Joseph long ago.

The bright square in the centre is a
3D picture

We left home early so that we could have a meal out at the Boat before going to the NEC.
We had a lovely meal although the service was atrocious - non existent really - and the meal was generally overcooked but PJ's was fine.  As it wasn't really a good experience and we were very cold by then we decided to go to the show and wait there, it might be a bit warmer.

As we drove towards the car park on the NEC complex, we could not find any signs to the show so I had another look at the tickets only to find that the show was on at the NIA.  For those who do not know the NEC is on the outskirts of Birmingham and the NIA is smack bang in the centre!!!

This was not really a problem as it was only 18.30hrs and the show did not start until 20.00hrs.  We cut along the motorway but then hit such traffic ........... it felt as though the world and his wife were also travelling into Brum that night!        What should have taken 5 mins actually took an hour and a half!!  I kid you not!!  an hour and a half!!

And we were only at the show place, we still had to park.................. park?    what's that?!!      We finally reached the car park roof by 20.15hrs and then  ............. nothing .............. jammed ......... no-one can move .......... no places to park so no-one had anywhere to go!!
I phoned the ticket office and explained that we had been travelling since 18.30hrs and now were in the car park but it was ramjammed and nothing was moving - would we be able to get our money back as obviously there were still a lot of people to go to the show.  He rang the NIA and then came back to tell us there would be no refund.

I have waited one whole year to see this show!!!  I AM GOING IF I ONLY SEE THE LAST HALF HOUR!!!

A carpark attendant appeared and directed us out of the car park but we knew we would never find anywhere else to park ........ we tried the side roads but to no avail ......... then .......
we spotted where some cars and vans were parked in the middle of the road and there was one space left ......... we drove immediately towards it ......... yeah! we got it!!! 
We parked and started running walking fast (it was running for me!!) towards the NIA.

We got to our seats at 20.40 ..... well, we arrived at the row but there were no places ..................
we fetched the attendant who checked our tickets and said our seats were at the other end of the row ............
'where exactly?' 
'ahh! it looks like someone is in your seats'
Now, we have a man making everyone stand up so he can look at tickets, then he is leading two (I imagine very red faced) people out of the row and then lights the way for us to sit.  
It is now 20.55hrs and all the time the show is going on. 
 It is loud........... very loud. 
 It is dark ......... except when the alien machines cast their spotlights over the audience.
The alien machines are huge!!!

I think that in this photo (taken at the end of the show, it had been standing all through the show with legs extended down) you can see a guy on stage, just underneath the alien machine, the tiny guy ........ standing up .......... he is really.

Jeff Wayne was conducting the orchestra on the stage and the main characters acted out their scenes coming down the central stage.  This was also where the hologram of Liam Neeson appeared - to the left of the stage there was a big screen which showed him telling the story - amazing production!  



When the 'Autumn Leaves' song came on ......... tissue paper leaves fell onto the audience!  

Had to collect some at the end, not just as souvenirs - free - but I'm a card maker and I recycle!!  lol

We managed to get a programme - very glossy and good!

I would show you more but Blogger has tipped the photos on their side !  hrrrrmph!




We waited after the show until the people cleared a bit and then made our way back to the car, it was raining quite heavily now so I was glad it was not parked too far away.  We both agreed it was worth all the hassle but it also taught us a valuable lesson - CHECK THE VENUE AND TIME BEFORE SETTING OUT!!!

Oh! by the way .............. did I mention that when we got back to the car ................. there was a parking ticket stuck to the windscreen .................... yeah! ............... 10mins after we had arrived!